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For those of you who were not previously aware of my current situation,  I was recently evicted from my home, and  given mere hours to vacate the property, do to an oversight by the properties management, who "accidentally approved" my initial application. After 4 months being an ideal tenant, the powers that be realized they had allowed a convicted felon to move in to their "crime free housing complex" and even though this error was their fault they insisted that i had to get off the property immediatly, I had nowhere to go and absolutely no idea what i was going to do.

What started out as a seemingly disatiourous situation, ended up bringing some genuinely amazing new friends into my life. With hardly any cash left to my name after paying bills at a residence i was no longer allowed to live at, i had few resources, and even fewer options. I was completely dependent on the kindness of others. People who just days prior had been strangers to me essentially now were kind enough to open up their home to me.

Having hit a significantly low point in my liife, my confidence and self esteem were dwindling. I was particularly frustrated with my physical features that still appeared femanine in appearance. Despite the effects of my testosterone injections, I was anxious to achieve the results that wouold at th very least take months to achieve.

 Pre Testosterone

But even if i hadnt taken notcie yet other people started to pick up on the changes. Scott, the 14 year old son of my friend Kim, instantly accepted me as a male. He even looks up to me like a big brother. We go to the barber together and get fades, and he wears my clothes that are quickly becoming too small for me now that my muscle mass is increasing.

I make sure his clothes match in the morning and help him with his homework in the evening, except when one of us has school we are pretty much together 24/7.
After a couple weeks of spending almost every waking hour running around with me he finally got uo the nerve to ask me a question that hahd been on his mind. "Nolen... why do you look like a girl dude?" His mom and everyone else in the room gasped in horror at this "offensive" question. I couldnt help but burst out laughing. He honestly didnt get it. Unlike all the adults around him who switch between pronouns when speaking to me and dont view or treat me quite the same way they would a cisgendered-male, Scott knows the man that i am inside. instead of looking at my exterior and assuming it matches up qith my gender identiy., he sees me for who i genuinely am and disregards whatever aspects of my physical body may contradict it.

Now 2 Months on Testosterone

ix.

entry 9

iix

nine

Food Inc

Hungry? After watching "Food Inc" you won't be, trust me. I promise that any hint of an appetite will be nonexistent after watching this shocking, brutally honest, and often times disturbing documentary .

vii: Transitioning

Body building is a pastime that many people take very seriously, often to extreme levels. Mostly this is a male dominated sport, and like most sports there is often controversy regarding the use of steroids and enhancing drugs. I have never been the athletic type myself , but since I have started my physical transition with hormone replacement therapy I have developed a sudden interest; borderline obsession with working out and weight training.

Testosterone had already started to change the shape and overall appearance of my body. I have all but lost my curves and now have a much more masculine figure. For the first month of my steroid cycles I included absolutely no exercise as part of my routine. Somehow despite my lack of effort whatsoever I still noticed significant muscle gain and felt encouraged by the results. 

This led me to wonder about how significant the results would be if I added a weight training program to coincide with my steroid cycle. It seems like I would be wasting an oppritunity if I didn't put fourth t least some physical effort . 

The trouble with hormone replacement therapy is how quickly my muscle mass increases. My muscles are capable of handling weight that my tendons can not keep up with. So I must resist the temptation to show off or lift more weight than I have previously. My doctor put it this way in clinical terms I would be "screwed" if I pushed myself too hard and snapped a tendon. So high reps low weight is my mantra for the time being. 

My doctor doubled my dose of testosterone for each weekly injection, and my energy levels have surged along with my confidence. I also recently met the first other transguy I have ever encountered personally. He has been on hormones for over a year and I was so encouraged by his results. He had transitioned so completely that I assumed he had been born a natural male, it was not until he asked if I was attending pride that I put two and two together. 

Not much else to include in this transition update other than the changes in my voice. It has lowered significantly and I am proud to report the first signs of my newly developing Adam's apple. I am a musician and song wroter but I have had to relearn how to use my deeper voice. Singing is out of the question right now as it causes my voice to crack and makes me sound like a 15 year old. Even though I know I sound ridiculous I am thrilled to finally have my voice drop. 

Extra Credit

I opened the door to su-104 as quietly as possible but still found myself the subject of several sideways glances and turned heads- the very thing I'd been trying to avoid. I'd arrived a few minutes late moments after finishing my math test, the results of which I was far from optimistic about. I grabbed a seat and attempted as best I could to make myself invisible as I took in my new surroundings.

The room was packed with students and the occasional faculty member, all eyes were on the blonde woman speaking. She spoke with an air of authority and that subtle level of arrogance that screamed "cop", normally every instinct I have tells me to place as much distance as possible between myself and law enforcement but I did my best to look studious and convince myself as much as those around me that I belonged.

I pulled out a notebook with the initial intention of taking notes but soon found myself so absorbed in the speakers words I was unable to write. This was far from the typical "stranger danger" lecture I had anticipated. As the detective spoke of her first hand encounters with pimps and their victims I was shocked and troubled by what I heard. In my young life I have seen and encountered plenty that would shock most people and generally consider myself pretty hard to get a reaction out of, just to give you a reference point.

Prior to my incarceration I was acquainted with several proatitutes and interacted with them regularly without ever giving it much thought. Now after hearing the terrible things these girls go through and how they are pulled into the lifestyle and  manipulated into staying, I am ashamed at my younger self for not reaching out to those girls and trying to help them in some way. The lecture ended with a quote that truly resonated with me and that in my opinion is very appropriate...

You may choose to look the other way, but you can never again say that you did not know."

V. Fresh

Many of us rarely question where the food on our table came from, and an even fewer number of us think about how we will continue to put food on it tomorrow and the next day. Americas farms and farmers are in serious danger and the majority of us are not even aware of this issue.








The documentary Fresh ,explores agriculture in modern America and invites us to question where our food comes from, opening up for discussion, why food matters. It invites us not only to think about food and it's sources, but also to think about how our own actions impact this both presently and also for future generations.

For many of us, food is something that has always been there. And because of its constant abundance it becomes so automatic that we consume it without actually thinking much about it. Because we have never gone without it we do not stop to think about where it comes from.
The film Fresh challenges us to break out of this routine and open up a dialogue about what we eat and where it comes from. It's audience is any American who wants to become more educated and aware of what they are putting into their bodies.

iv. Injecting Testosterone

 

My weekly fix.

Before i decided to transition i spent a great deal of time seeking out all the information i could find on the subject. I still could not have prepared for experiencing it first hand. 





Going in for my first injection was exciting and strangely calming at the  same time. I do not know what exactly I was expecting but it took me a moment to realize that it was finally happening. Then There was that awkward pause while it took me a moment to realize it was over.

Just in the first couple of days i noticed some small change like my skin becoming rougher to the touch and it getting oilier faster, which is super annoying but i am happy to take the good with the bad. i am looking forward most to gaining more muscle and developing a lower voice. My fiance teases me relentlessly now because my voice has started to crack. My transition is taking place over the course of a year which is not a long amount of time but right now it seems hard to imagine actually being at that point. but then again a few months ago i never thought i would actually get to start taking testosterone and now here i am with a 5milileter vial of testosterone in one hand and a syringe in the other, about to inject my weekly dose into my thigh. the t is oil based so it is thick and painful to inject intramuscularly but i do it happily and hardly notice the small amount of pain.

the surge of confidence and energy it gives me lasts until the end of the cycle when my mood starts to drop in the day leading up to my next dose. Some people say that the concept of " roid rage" is a myth, perhaps it is often exaggerated but I can say from first hand experience that it is definitely based on very real occurrences. The first few days after my injection my mood swings were so severe I would lash out at people for the smallest things then be crying the next moment then suddenly be in a great mood again, what a rollercoaster .  With time it should even out and I was warned that I could experience this sort of thing but now that it's actually happening I am surprised at how fast and intense these mental changes are .

 Not only is my body becoming that of a male but my thoughts and emotions are also consistently more like those typical in men. For the first time in my life I feel right. My body and brain are beginning to match one another. Fewer and fewer people make the mistake of calling me "she" and now it's Sir, and young man I hear strangers refer to me as when addressing me, finally!


For more info on female to male hormone replacement therapy there are tons of resources online to check out. Online video bloggers such as Skylarkeleven and TyTurner on youtube were especially helpful to me when i made my own decision  to transition. 

iii. status update

be sure to like my selfie!

After Listening to some clips taken from "A Status Update", a particulary interesting episode of THis American LIfe, I thought I would take a moment to share my thoughts here. The specific clip I am going to discuss incluided the perspectives of some teenage girls, as they shared their expierences with social media.
I found the episode inisightful and eye opening specifically because of its choice of guests. If anyone knows about social media, its highschool girls. Most teenagers, girls especially so, are practically glued to their cell phones, tablets, or laptops at all times. Combine that with the intense social pressures to fit in and gain social acceptance and the result is an absoliute obsession with social media.

The girls were very candid as they talked about the reasons behind their posts and the thought and planning and preparatoon that goes into each and every seemingly random or casual post. What might appear to be an unassuming photo of some friends is actually part of a social language and custom in which girls seek and give validation to one another and attempt to gain the acceptance of their peers.

One part of the broadcast that i found particularly interesting was the segment of the discussion where the girls explained what the purpose and meaning behind comments left on eachothers photos. It seems that none of it can just be taken at face value and that one must read between the lines. A comment that says "I hate you" :) :) :) actually translates to "Wow you are so pretty and I am jealous and insecure". This segment offers insight to those of us who are outsiders in this world of likes and tweets and could be especially helpful to parents.

I would definietly reccomend this episode to anyone who wants to gain a deeper understanding of our youths culture, particuarly to those currently parenting teenage or soon to be teenage girls.

ii. An extremely late bloomer...

Hitting puberty is painfully awkward enough, even under the best circumstances I doubt anyone would want to relive it, going through it for the second time, and at the age of 25 is downright absurd and the crazier part is I actually signed up for this. Being a 25 year old teenage boy is difficult to go through and even harder to explain, but I'll try..

I am currently undergoing Hormone Replacement Therapy or HRT, and taking weekly injections of testosterone.  The hormones will help me to physically transition from female to male. For the first 6 to 12 months while to initial changes take place I will essentially be going through puberty again, only this time as a male.

The first change you will probably notice will be my voice dropping, this usually is permanent after 3 months,  my doctor has told me not everyone gets an Adam's apple but I remain hopeful. Next the fat and muscle will redesteibute itself throughout my body so that my body shape becomes that of a male . My facial structure will change dramatically making it appear more masculine. Facial hair usually takes at least a year to come in fully but I don't plan on sporting a beard, some sideburns might be cool though.



I spent so much of my life hating myself and feeling trapped and hopeless. And it was actually on the internet that I discovered a cure to my ailment existed. T-Men before me who documented their journeys in transition gave me the hope I needed to take this step. I watched countless videos online and  still follow many transguys online who still post updates. I have chosen to share my story and document my journey in the hopes that it could help even one isolated kid just like those blogs helped me.

I. My Humble Opinion

I've never been the sort of person who sets aside time to sit down and read the news paper, maybe it's the fact that I have terrible time management or maybe it's my inability to sit still for more than a moment, but whatever the reason may be, it's just never been part of my routine: That being said  I still enjoy reading and like to remain relatively informed on the on-goings of the world around me, hence my thorough appreciation and enjoyment of several blogs.

In my humble opinion online bloggers corner an important ever expanding genre and have become a collective voice for all the once under represented groups in modern media. I have a special fondness for several bloggers within the FTM transgender community for their posts detailing their transitions and documenting the results they expierienced from the use of testosterone hormone replacement therapy. These blogs changed my life. Because of the wide range of topics blogs spam I was able to find articles that related directly to what I was going through and that impacted me deeply. The chances of finding such an article while flipping through a Sunday paper would be nearly impossible.

Amongst the blogs directly linked I came across a few familiar titles that bring back fond memories. Two of which are "Found Magazine" and "Post Secret" I have submitted posts to both of them and viewed them on a frequent basis throughout my teenage years. I lived the anonymity of them and the intrigue of all throngs forgotten and secret.

On the opposite end of the blog spectrum is the dissapoontingly popular "Twitter" blog which in my humble opinion contains all things frivolous in the worst possible sense of the word. But what do I know? I'm just an amateur blogger myself and I would hope my readers would be positive in their assessment of my own writing.

About the Author,

     Talk about myself? As much as I would love to use this forum to finally record the chaotic journey  that has been my life thus far, I feel pressured to censor myself. Because the truth would at the very least leave me vulnerable to critisism and judgment,  or potentially even get me arrested st its worst. So let's just say my life has been far from typical.
     What I can tell you is I am from the island of Coronado, located just across the bay from San Diego California. Though I have not lived there for years, I am still well known as a trouble maker throughout my old stomping grounds. Should you ever visit the island or cross paths with my old friends I must urge you not to believe everything you hear, I'm actually a pretty decent guy, I've just made more mistakes than most.
    San Diego is located just slightly north of Tijuana Mexico. Hop on the blue line trolley at 12th and imperial, keep an eye out for trolley cops (transit officers) and 20 minutes later you'll be crossing the border into Mexico. Where a wide range of vices become much more affordable and accessible.  Needless to say I spent a great deal of time on the blue line trolley.
     5 years and one prison sentence later I find myself in Arizona, attempting for the first time since perhaps very early childhood, to actually do my best in school. Drug dealers are typically not supposed to become students, excons are not supposed to become successful bloggers, but this won't be the first time in my life that I've been the exception to the standard box the world has tried to put me in.

A days work.

Nolen with a fresh fade.